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I just read some new research that shows one of the greatest daredevils of the Middle Ages was a knight named, "Medieval Knieval."


Police have arrested two men who held up a draperies store, overnight. They have been identified as Curt and Rod.


Okay, so, Helium and Neon walk into a restaurant. The host looked at them, and said, "Beat it, you two! We don't serve noble gasses in here!" He got no reaction from either.

I guess folks are really concerned with this measles thing spreading to the prison system and making all the inmates break out.


I'm afraid my addiction to merry-go-rounds is spiraling out of control.


I often wonder how many mimes have actually died, because no one believed they were choking?


I'm tired of using Sharpies, so I wanna start making my own felt pens. Anybody have any tips?


This kid with a broken arm asked me to draw his caricature on his cast. Talk about adding insult to injury.


This just in . . . A merchant ship, loaded with Duncan yo-yos sank, this morning . . . fifty-three times.

You know, when you think about it, a railroad engineer's job is pretty straight forward.

Sad news, this morning. My hamster, Mr. Squeakers, died. The vet says it was from lack of exercise. I guess poor old Mr. Squeakers just didn't have the wheel to live.

In traffic news, this morning, a truck carrying a load of Vick's Vaporub has overturned. Police say that stretch of interstate will be free of congestion for the next eight hours.


Morning Headline: EXPLOSION AT LOCAL PIE FACTORY. ESTIMATES SAY INJURIES COULD CLIMB AS HIGH AS 3.14159.


This morning, at my Friday Cracker Barrel breakfast, I watched a large group of Asian men approach the hostess stand. They were from Korea, Japan, China, Malaysia, Burma, Laos, Vietnam, and one from Cambodia. I was shocked when the hostess told them that they couldn't come in without a Thai!


Just back from my workout at the Wellness Center. I've worked my way up to 25 Crunches. I have to admit the Nestle's Workout has set the bar for my lunchtime exercise . . . and, it's delicious and satisfying, as well.


I see the Franklin Mint is advertising its new Prince Charles Commemorative Tea Pot. It never reigns, but it pours.


This just in . . . An earthquake has been reported near the Galaxy Ice Cream plant. It sent ripples through the entire building.


I'm learning to speed read. This morning, I managed to read "War and Peace" in 52 seconds. I know it's only three words, but it's a start.


I just sent Google another message about Google Translate. My spell Czech is still not working.


Is boomerang manufacturing considered to be an export AND import business?


Friday morning news: WOMAN ATTACKED BY ACUPUNCTURIST, She was stabbed 128 times, yesterday, by the irate doctor, but, this morning, she says she has never felt better! 


Just a note for you future stand-up comedians: According to the pros, It seems that chicken jokes are at a crossroads.

Some friends and I are starting a new rock band called Duvet. We're only gonna do covers.


Dr. Victor Frankenstein admitted his monster to a local mental facility. He believes his creature may have a screw loose.


A knight walks into a blacksmith shop. The blacksmith says, "You've got mail."


My wife and I got into an argument, this morning.  She doesn't want me to eat ice cream, while I clean my collection of old muskets.  Well, I'm sticking to my guns!


Another thing that I learned in math class:  There is a fine line between a square and a triangle.


Morning News:  MAN FIRED FOR THEFT AT LOCAL CALENDAR FACTORY.  Says he knew they were downsizing, so he was just taking one day at a time.


My quiet Uncle Pastora has finally retired from his shepherd's job.  Maybe it's just me, but, now, he seems so ewes less.


Last night, I threw in some Orville Redenbacher into my stir fry.  The flavors really popped!


A buddy of mine gave his wife, who is a demolition expert, a box of C4 for her birthday.  He said that, when she opened it, she was simply blown away!


When I made dessert, last night, I used flour, eggs, milk, sugar, tomato sauce, oregano and mozzarella cheese.  My wife said it must have been difficult to make, but it was really just a pizza cake.

I lost my dictionary, this morning.  Suddenly, life has no meaning.

I had a horrible dream, last night.  I was cooking pancakes while driving on a crooked, country road.  I tossed and turned all night.


I had a little extra money, so I have decided to invest some in marathon runners.  It should prove to be a wise investment over the long run.


My crazy Uncle Leo was hired by the National Weather Service to invent a new barometer.  He had to quit, yesterday.  He just couldn't handle the pressure.


Happy birthday, U.S. Navy!  I assume you were born by sea section . . .

My Sweetie and I had a little tiff, this morning. But, since today is "Talk Like a Pirate Day," we can still celebrate and, hopefully, patch things up.

Good news! Since we have both donned our pirate patches, for "Talk Like a Pirate Day," Sweetie and I are now seeing eye to eye about things.


The morning news said an air strike is being planned. I hope they settle it, quickly. I can't hold my breath longer than 40 seconds.


I thought about applying for a job as supervisor at the origami factory. I don't know, it just seems like an awful lot of paperwork.


I met a fella, over the weekend, who could really light up a room. Until I read the morning paper, I didn't know he was an arsonist.


I'm thinking about investing in a line of pool and snooker tables. In this economy, it just seems like something I can bank on.


This is for everyone who has asked me about a good website to buy gourmet sausages. Later on, today, I'll send you a few links.


Just finished reading a book on Mongolian literature. It had its prose and Kahns.


During a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, last night, I threw away my pencil and switched to a pink Sharpie. I thought it was a pretty, bold move.


When my cousin, Ludlow, came out of retirement and bought a dairy farm, he didn't realize that he would soon have his hands full.


I met a fella, this weekend, who could really light up a room.  Until I read this morning's paper, I didn't realize he was an arsonist.

I thought about applying for the job of supervisor at the local origami factory.  I don't know, though . . . It seems like an awful lot of paperwork.

Tragic headline in this morning's newspaper: MIME STRANGLED WITH CORDLESS PHONE!
Saturday night, we spent a lot of time deciding between two board games. We quickly chose Monopoly, because LIFE is just too short. 
While I was out driving, yesterday, I ran over five tubs of guacamole, in a two mile stretch. I guess I didn't see the sign that said, "Dips in the Road." 
The owner of the world's largest flea circus couldn't find a flea who wanted to be shot out of a cannon, so he hired a group of scientists to help him, and they developed a nervous tick. 
My part-time job as a waiter may not pay very much, but at least it lets me put food on the table.
 
Why can't hedgehogs just learn to SHARE the hedge? 
Somebody left a stack of two by fours on my porch,this morning, and I don't know what to make of it. 
I paid fifty bucks for a jacket with velcro pockets.
What a rip-off! I don't think anyone every knew that my actor friend wore a partial until it came out during a conversation, last night. 

I'll just bet that first and second grade math teachers go home from work happy, just knowing they made the little things count. 
I have to say, sometimes, speaking sign language comes in pretty handy. My body-building friend, Harry Spotter, was searching for some extra protein, so he finally bought a huge, round slab of cheese. He knew that where there's a wheel, there's a whey.
I just finished reading a new book about a tabloid reporter during the American Civil War, who lived in the South. It's called "To Whom the Belles Told."
Woke up wondering if the final exam at the local pastry chef academy is a piece of cake.
Has anyone else noticed that the price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof?
My friend, Gulley, is retiring from the roadside crew after thirty years. Going to work, on his last day, today, will be tough, but I know he will make a good, last ditch effort.
Read an article, this morning, about orthopedic surgery among us older folks. Joint replacement is becoming very hip.
My wife was not too happy when I gave her a coupon to take skydiving lessons with me for our anniversary. We had a real falling out.
When my wife told me, last night, that she had thrown away all my Monkees albums, I didn't believe her . . . Then I saw her face . . . . 
Today, my pun will be delivered to you, telepathically. So, during the day, if you begin to just start laughing out loud and uncontrollably . . . that's me!
Having trouble with my pun, this morning. I was going to post one about unemployment, but it needs some work.
You know, the more I think about it, the Mayans gave us a good lesson, last year. Just because you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

Having trouble with my pun, this morning. I was going to post one about unemployment, but it needs some work.


 

Today, my pun will be delivered to you, telepathically. So, during the day, if you begin to just start laughing out loud and uncontrollably . . . that's me!


 

Local police are at the new Curiosity Shop, which opened, yesterday. This morning, 22 dead cats were found, just outside the doors.


 

When my wife told me, last night, that she had thrown away all my Monkees albums, I didn't believe her . . . Then I saw her face . . . .


 

Farcebook Weather, this morning . . . . A stationery front is threatening to envelope the area . . .


 

Our local zoo held a search to add another cute animal to their collection. A little fuzzy fella from Australia won, because he met all the koalafications.


 

My crazy Uncle Leo's been waiting for approval from the highway department of his new invention to speed up traffic. Yesterday, they finally gave him the green light.


 

Marinating some frog legs for supper, tonight. Yummmmmmmm! Guess I'd better get off of here and hop to it!


 

I thought that having an orchard would be great. Honestly, though, between the birds, the insects, and my neighbors . . . it's a fruitless endeavor.


 

Yesterday, when I saw the sign on the elevator that said it was out of order, I just staired for a while.


Yesterday, when I saw the sign on the elevator that said it was out of order, I just staired for a while. 


My hip aunt Lulu said when she lived in Winslow, Arizona, she only bought her breakfast cereal at a little store near the super highway. She always got her Kix on Route 66. 
My crazy Uncle Leo almost drowned, trying to become a hipster. The other day, he slipped and fell back into the mainstream. 
Today is National Doughnut Day. Diet clinics could see quite a turnover. 
The vehicle used for the funeral scene, in the community theater play broke down. So, the entire cast is down at the used car dealer, re-hearsing. 
My wife bought me a memory book, yesterday. Unfortunately, this morning, I forgot where I put it. 
My crooked Uncle Lenny was just fired from his job at the Highway Department for stealing. As many times as I visited his house, I should have seen it coming. I mean, all the signs were there. 
Looking for something to do, this weekend? Coin collectors are having a get-together, just for old dimes' sake. 
Having trouble with my pun, this morning. I was going to post one about unemployment, but it needs some work. 
There's one thing you can say about successful freelancers - We mind our own business! 

If it weren't for sponges, just how deep would the ocean really be?



My crazy Uncle Leo is experimenting with turning lions into cannibals. The hardest part, he says, is teaching them to swallow their pride.  
According to the IRS, if you have a job and are able to put a little away for savings, you have what it takes. 
I used to think that "M" was one of the most commonly used letters. Actually, it only occurs once in a blue moon. 
Oh, by the way, I took my night school finals, last night. When she handed the papers back, the teacher had stapled a Burger King application to mine. 
My wife and I often laugh at how competitive we are at things . . . but I laugh more . . . and, better, too, I might add. 
Morning news from the beach: MAN'S ATTEMPT TO ROB SEASHELL STAND FOILED - CONCHED ON THE NOGGIN BY OWNER. 
Whenever I feel blue, I just stop . . . realize my wife is not going to let have my way . . . and start breathing, again. 
I went to Jr's Foodland's Truckload Meat Sale, here in Murfreesboro, yesterday. It turned out to be just another chop shop.  
My cousin, Lenny, lost his job at the Krazy Glue factory. He spilled his Prozac in the vat, and they had to bottle it as plain glue.  
My wife embroidered a bouquet of multi-colored flowers on my favorite sweater. All I could say was, "Honey, that's pretty crewel!"  
I just read an interesting article in the newspaper. Did you know that hanging is the number one cause of death for stick figure people?  
Bought a couple hamsters, yesterday, and replaced their water bottle with an espresso bottle. Don't want them falling asleep at the wheel.  
No phone calls for a while, today, please. Sometime in the night, I reached for my Chap Stick and got my glue stick, instead.  
Arghh! I broke a light bulb, this morning. "So what," you say? Well, for us cartoonists, that means seven more years of bad ideas. 
You know, the more I think about it, the Mayans gave us a good lesson, last year. Just because you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

My crazy Uncle Leo has found a way to make professional-looking crop HALF circles on his farm. He uses his PRO tractor.

My wife tried to get inside my head, last night, but she soon found out she was up against a rock wall.

Yesterday, some ladies were talking about a new caviar shampoo. "Who would use such a thing," they asked. I told them farmers use it on their ducks, so they can keep them in a roe.

Thieves are breaking into homes and only stealing desks. Police say that if their crime spree continues, someday they'll get the chair.

My copy of "War and Peace" looks so much thinner, now that it's had its appendix removed.

Thanks to whomever sent me the box of chocolate covered cherries! I think was very cordial of you.

My wife keeps saying the same thing over and over again. I hope it's just a phrase she's going through.

My friends, violinist, Nero and his comedian brother, Burns Gump, bought an Italian restaurant. Ever the entertainers - Nero fiddles while Burns roams.

I bought my wife one of those hot dog puppies. You know, the kind that eats your shoes with relish.

The prices some stores are getting for tires, these days, are just highway rubbery!

When I was a young boy, I could only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I never knew y.  
I attended the celebrity buffet, last weekend. I really enjoyed the Beets by Dr. Dre.  
I saw a couple of young mathemeticians out playing in the snow. They were making snow angles.  
Believe it, or not, I was offered a job, with the county, as a noise pollution inspector. Unfortunately, I had to turn it down.  
Well, I dropped my watch and broke it. I need one more part to get it working again. Can anyone recommend a good second hand store?  
I just replaced the cloth on my catamaran with Saran Wrap. For me, it's gonna be clear sailing from here on!  
I thought about getting a power washer, so I headed off to Home Depot. Didn't stay long, 'cause I can't deal with high-pressure salesmen.  
I've penned more than a few great novels in my time. That's probably why I'm not allowed in the local library any more.  
My neighbor doesn't want anyone to know he's sneaking out, at night, and tapping his maple trees. He's really being very syruptitious.  
My wife didn't care too much for our piano mover, this weekend. Personally, I thought he was a grand, upright kind of guy.  
Tragic news, today: A plane full of Japanese car parts exploded in midair, today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.  
I don't know why, but I still get out my old chemistry table of the elements, periodically.  
I met the new television weatherman, recently. I just had to ask where he hailed from.  
I read, this morning, that the mayor is trying to promote a monorail system for the city, again. Boy, this guy has a one track mind!  
I didn't get the part in a local production of "The Wizard of Oz." I'll end up playing the part of the Tin Man. I'm a little disheartened.  
Newspaper story: A local teacher, checking tests while driving on a rain-slick road, lost control in a hairpin turn. She vowed to never again grade on the curve.  
Just a heads up . . . it's gonna be cold, later, today. If you're going out to buy soup, I just found out . . . they're out of stock.  
Yesterday, a guy from the gym got in the elevator, all sweaty and smelly. That was just wrong on so many levels.


I once asked a girl for a date in high school, but she said she'd rather stay home and play her flute to her snake. Charming, just charming.  
I'm making a presentation on playground safety, later, this morning. I've prepared a slide show. Have you ever noticed just how subtle the b is in subtle? 
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently asked why he had not upgraded to Windows 7, he replied, "I still like Vista, baby."   
When my wife saw all the evergreen trees I planted, she was awfully upset. I was just trying to do as she asked and spruce up the place.    
The inventor of the TV remote control died. He was 96. Have they tried turning his batteries around & smacking him against the recliner?   
Morning Headlines: FREAK traffic ACCIDENT FINDS LIFE ON MARS! CURIOSITY KILLS CAT.   
Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, here goes: "I wish I played for a better baseball team. I sure hope they trade me."   
My recent laser eye surgery was a waste of money. Two weeks and I still can't fire one single, blazing beam of light from either eye.   
People are beginning to send me angry letters after reading my joke book that was printed in Braille. I'm sorry they feel that way.   
I asked a friend who's an entertainer, last night, if he liked hanging from the ceiling, and spinning round. He just said, "I'm not a fan."   
I'm reading a new book by a guy who is heavily influenced by Dr. Seuss and ShakespearE: "Green Eggs and Hamlet." Here is a sample: Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.   
I'm finally starting my online taxi company, next week. All I have to do, now, is to download the drivers.   
One of the members of a remote jungle expedition was lost to quicksand, over the weekend. Took a while to sink in.   
My mother heard I'm writing a book, so she bought me a cheap dictionary. I'm really having a hard time finding the right words to thank her.   
My son brought home his new girlfriend, last night. She's an architect. I'll say this, she really knows how to make an entrance!  
Someone broke into our house and stole my coffee cup collection. I'm headed down to the police station, later, to look at some mug shots.   
My crazy Uncle Leo has invented a spray that clears the air of all smells and odors. Some may call it absurd, but he calls it "Non-Scents."   
If that kid next door doesn't stop banging on his drums, there's gonna be some serious repercussions.  
Police news, this morning: Two men arrested at zoo for stealing a lion by throwing it into a hot air balloon. It caused quite an uproar! Last night, I bought a forklift at an auction. It's amazing what you can pick up, nowadays.   
I've been asked to be the conductor of a 120-person orchestra. Man, Now, I've got more musicians than I can shake a stick at.   
My local supermarket is forming an orchestra to play while folks shop. I'm auditioning for the sacks.   
A woman, who was carrying a fresh tulip in her carry on bag. was arrested by airport security for packing a pistil.   
 I tried and tried to talk my cousin out of becoming an archaeologist. Now, he tells me that his career is in ruins.   
My dentist called to say he would be out of town and will not be able to take care of my cavity. Some other guy will be filling in.   
I guess robots always seem to be so fearless because they have nerves of steel.   
Some lady fainted in the doctor's office, yesterday. I guess she was an outpatient.   
I'm listening to the new album by "The Corduroys." Man, can those cats wale!   
Police finally arrested and handcuffed a tiny circus clown for several bank robberies. I was glad to see they used a little restraint.   
I saw a herd of turkeys crossing the road, this morning. Evidently, they weren't chicken.    
Our old neighbors bought a new house on the other side of town. Yesterday, they stopped by to show us pictures. They were visibly moved.   
Alright, math geeks, for ten points, what is half of infinity? Beep. Beep. Oooh, no! Sorry, the answer is nity.   
My homemade soup turned out to be pretty good, after all. How uncanny!   
A man, dressed as the Greek god of the woodlands, was found dead, stabbed with his flute. Police broke the news with a deadpan expression.   
On a hike, this weekend, my wife told me she wanted to go rappelling off of a high cliff, ahead. I thought she was bluffing.   
My friend, Violet, the x-ray technician, is marrying one of her patients. Those who know the guy can't figure out what she sees in him.   
Many have asked if I ever just draw silhouettes or caricatures from the side. Well, no! I don't want to ever be accused of profiling.  
I don't think my yoga instructor likes me, and that's putting me in a very difficult position. 
 
If it weren't for sponges, just how deep would the ocean really be?   
Yesterday, I bought a box of animal crackers. It had a warning on the side: "Do not eat if seal is broken." Later, when I got home and opened it . . . sure, enough . . .   
My Aunt Loony, who is schizophrenic, just finished her new book about the subject. It's an unauthorized autobiography.    
Did anyone else read the front-page newspaper story about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?    
Being a lover of Dickens, I was glad to see Part I of "Oliver Twist" on Masterpiece Theater. I have to admit, though, that watching the first hour was grueling. However, when Oliver meets up with Jack Dawkins and Fagin, later on, I know I will get a lift.    
This morning's news: LOCAL MAN FOUND DEAD IN A VAT OF CHICKPEAS. POLICE ARE TREATING IT AS A HUMMUSCIDE.   
I landed a part in the movie, Terminator 28. Arnold returns to save early composers and musicians from total destruction. I'll be Bach.   
I made a mistake and took my wife with me to pick up a suit at the new tailor shop. She had a fit!    
The mafia snitch, gunned down by Machine Gun Tony, was believed to have suffered from ADHD. Guess they thought he needed riddlin".    
Southern business news: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Technology will merge and form a new company called Fairwell Honeychild.    
A friend of mine started trimming his Facebook friends list down to only people that had great hair. I didn't make the cut.    
Someone decided to use checkered table cloths at the Chess Club Banquet, last night. It took about an hour for most just to pass the salt.    
Thousands of scales are being recalled for faulty numbers. Customers are hoping the company will see the error of its weighs.   
You've heard the one about the doctor who lost his reflex mallet? It's a real knee-slapper!    
Remember those old cartoons where gangsters would spell out words with a machine gun?. I heard one of the animators is banging out a new book.  
I've always wondered why cartoonists draw a light bulb over the head of someone having a brainstorm. Whose bright idea was that?    
I was disappointed with the super moon, last night. I could not see the big red "S". I guess you had to be near the Cape.   
The mayor of Helsinki lost his entire staff. They lost their citizenship in a scandal. He now has an office with an un-Finnished cabinet.    
I think it's a bad idea to build a new Firestone plant in an earthquake-prone area. They could end up treading on shaky ground.  
Archaeologists now believe the folks behind the Mayan calendar that predicts the end of all time may have been endochronologists.    
Two cartons of yogurt were refused admission to the opera, last night. Don't know why. They seemed to be cultured individuals.    
As soon as I entered the new Lego store, an aggressive salesman latched onto me. Things kept building and building until I finally snapped!    
In the news, this morning: LOCAL BARTENDER ARRESTED FOR STEALING ALCOHOL. CHARGED WITH EMBOOZLEMENT!    
I had a meeting with my publisher, yesterday, to discuss my new book on SCUBA diving. Let's just say it didn't go down well.    
Yesterday, the dog chewed on my computer keyboard, and swallowed some of the caps. The vet says he may now have irritable vowel syndrome.    
From the morning paper: SHORT SCIENTIST CLONES HIMSELF TO BE TALLER - LATER, POLICE CHARGE HIM WITH "BIGGER ME."    
I thought about starting a comic strip about locomotives. But, this weekend, I kinda got sidetracked and ran out of steam.   
A door-to-door salesman interrupted my work, yesterday, selling beehives. Not wanting to get stung on the deal, I told him to buzz off!    
If you're going to be a Velcro salesman these days, you'd better have lots of sticktoitiveness!    
My nephew just landed a job as a meteorologist at a big television station. This morning, he found out that his job is up in the air.    
Last night, I tried this new mustard on my hot dogs. For some reason, the taste was very familiar. Must have just been a case of dijon vu.  
Two more friends of mine married over the weekend. He's a snake charmer. She's an undertaker. Their towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse."    
Just whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word, "lisp?"    
Saw a new commercial. Godzilla sits by the interstate, eating a Mini Cooper, looks into the camera & says, "Wow! I coulda had a V-8"  
Several years ago, I thought I wanted to be a sorcerer . . . But, I decided not to continue, after I tried it for a spell.    
I see, in the morning newspaper, that the Acme Limbo Dance Studio is about to go under.    
A new wing for the seriously ill in a local hospital was named for Olympic skier Picabo Street. It opened, Friday, as the Picabo I.C.U.    
What if there were no hypothetical questions?    


Sometime, during the night, my heavy, antique family coat-of-arms fell to the floor and shattered. This morning, I am simply crestfallen.    


I'm off to compete for a job as proofreader at the publishing company. Hope I don't finish as a runer up.    


Did you guys know that the average married couple argues 412 times a year? Well 415 actually, but try telling HER that!    


A neighbor and I made an oral contract, last week. I soon found out that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on.  


With all the stress in my life, I've decided to take up meditation. It sure beats sitting around doing nothing.    


I firmly believe that animal testing is wrong! They never know the right answers, anyway.    


Future news headline: RESTAURANT OPENS ON GINGRICH MOON COLONY: GREAT FOOD, NO ATMOSPHERE.    


Found out, yesterday, that I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order . . . as it should be.    


If life gives you melons . . . you might just be dyslexic.    


A blind friend of mine went skydiving for the first time, yesterday. He's not going to do it, again. He said it scares the dog too much.   


When I kept telling the waiter there was a fly in my soup, he told me to zip it!    


Glad to finally see my horse, Nellie, in a stable relationship.  


Today's grammar lesson: Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.    


Man! I'd give my right arm just to be ambidextrous.   


My bottle of Centrum was making a buzzing sound, this morning. Must have been the essential vitamin bee.   


Heading down to the beautiful live sponge exhibit at the Aquarium, later on, today. Really hope I can soak it all in.    


When I called the Chinese art store to order permanent markers, I plainly said SHARPIES! So, why did UPS just drop off a box full of ugly, wrinkled puppies? Oh, well. At least they are permanent barkers.    


Two prototype stealth police cars collided on the test track, Monday. Police told spectators, "Move along. There's nothing to see, here."    


A friend of mine, a Navy veteran, gets so excited when he's invited to the shipyard for a christening! Whatever floats your boat, I guess.    


Yesterday, I bought a box of animal crackers. It had a warning on the side: "Do not eat if seal is broken." Later, when I got home and opened it . . . sure, enough . . .  


When the doctor told me that I may have Tom Jones Syndrome, I asked him if it was common. He said, "It's Not Unusual."  


I often wonder if people who are illiterate ever get the full effect of alphabet soup?    


What a waiter we had, last night, at dinner. Evidently, he thought that money grows on trays.    


I found out something interesting about a guy I know who's an auctioneer . . . No friends . . . but lots of nodding acquaintances.    


Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement!    


I don't understand how my friend expects to produce a documentary on the complete history of handwriting with no script.   


Funny, I don't remember having a memory problem.    


I'm pretty sure somebody did something weird to my paranoia medicine, last night.    


Ever since I've been seeing a top psychiatrist, in Beverly Hills, about my kleptomania, I've managed to take away something valuable from each session.   


If you haven't made it down to the museum for the Ancient Egypt exhibit to see the mummies, you'd better hurry . . . they are about ready to wrap it up.    


I grilled a chicken for over two hours, yesterday. Unfortunately, i still couldn't get it to tell me why it crossed the road.    


I may not be gettting any younger, but my mind is still like a . . . a . . . oh, what do you call those things?  


EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP! It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then . . . it's still all fun and games . . . just without depth perception.   


Let's all join in and help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!    


Yesterday, when my wife found my big fireworks stash that I was hiding in the attic, she went through the roof!    


I took my glass of water and added gasoline to finish filling it up. Now, when people ask me if it's half-empty, I can honestly say that my glass is half fuel.    


This morning, I have decided to rewrite hostiry!    


MEMBERS, PLEASE NOTE! The monthly international Clairvoyants United (I.C.U) meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events.  


From the morning paper: Two men were goofing off at the pottery factory, yesterday, & accidentally fell into the kiln. Both were promptly fired.    


I just found out that I have an IQ in the top 2%. So, who cares about the other 95%?    


No humor, this morning. I haven't had much sleep. Stayed up all night wondering, what if the Hokey-Pokey IS really what it's all about?    


Today, I`ve decided that I`m going to finish everything I st    


Sorry about this, folks, but it is my week to help raise funds for my favorite charity, The National Sarcasm Society. Yeah, like we really need your help.    


My pet pig, Smithfield, seems to have laryngitis, this morning. I guess that's why he is so disgruntled.   


The sign on the cafe, this morning, read, "Sightseeing Dogs Only." So, I'm grabbing my dog, throwing a gaudy Hawaiian shirt on him, hanging a camera around his neck, and going back for breakfast.  


Yesterday, I bought some Carefree gum, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I'm still worried.    


From the morning newspaper: POSTAL SERVICE ARRESTS MAN FOR WEARING WOMENS' CLOTHING. MAN IS CHARGED WITH MALE FRAUD.    


I firmly believe that animal testing is wrong! They never know the right answers, anyway.    


I see Starbucks is requiring each of its employees to undergo a rigorous educational program. Each employee must graduate Magna Cum Latte.    


Just one more thing that kept me up, last night . . . Can bald people get hairline fractures?    


My crazy Uncle Leo once interviewed to work as a streaker. He soon found out he was unsuited for the job.    


This morning, there's water on the stove and eggs missing from the fridge. I think we may just have poachers!    


Yesterday, when I saw my psychiatrist, Dr. "Skits" O'Frenya, I told him that I had been feeling like a clock, lately. He told me to relax and stop getting wound up.   


 Well, my crazy Uncle Leo's latest invention is a cardboard belt. Personally, I think it is a waist of paper.    


My crazy Uncle Leo is working on a special creme that will help relieve painfully swollen egos. He is calling it Preparation I.    


Just a heads up . . . I tried to access the Glade air freshener website, last night. It kept telling me I needed to get some sort of plug-in.    


I am reading a book about Thomas Andrews, who designed the Titanic. It talks about how people were always making fun of his lisp. To me, it's just unthinkable!  


Yesterday, a buddy of mine told me that, in order to stop his girlfriend from nagging him so much, he promised to marry her sometime next summer. "July?" I asked. He answered, "I sure did!"  


Since I finished breakfast, this morning, re-reading Dickens' "Great Expectations," I have been wondering if Miss Havisham ever called for breakfast, and said, "Pip! Pip! Cheerios!"    


I started off the morning yelling some pretty mean things to a guy who was trying to steal my front gate. I just hope he's not going to take a fence.    


My English teachers used to stress to me that it is always I before E, except after C. Isn't that weird?    


Well, it's a good thing Santa came, today. For the next couple of days, it looks like just rain, dear.    


As a procrastinator, I believe that tomorrow is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.    


Yesterday, when we got to the zoo, they told us we couldn't see the kangaroos because they were simply exhausted. Sure enough, when we got near their area, there was a huge sign that read, "OUT OF BOUNDS."    


My crazy Uncle Leo has converted to the religion of Frisbeetarianism. He believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.    


I don't think we will ever see cannibals on any social media. I think they are pretty fed up with people.    


When I was working my way through law school, I quit my job at Arby's to go work for McDonalds. When her friends would ask what I did, my Mom would tell them I was an arbitrator.   


Yesterday, I was diagnosed with Sausagephobia. Now, I fear the wurst.    


Well, last night, I thought I had found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying . . . . then, it crashed.    


I was noticing all the legalese and warnings on my wife's jumbo hair dryer, this morning. Somebody got long winded.   


For my exercise, this morning, I asked my wife to let me speed walk behind her car, so she could check my speed and distance. I hadn't gone too far before I was exhausted.  


Listening to my new soundtrack CD from the 1940's off-Broadway hit show: "Tarzan - A Man and His Music." Man, that guy didn't monkey around with the clarinet. He was absolutely the King of Swing!    


Whenever I heard the word "Khakis," I always thought of military uniforms. I have since learned that they are also what you need to start your car in Boston.    


After I finished my acupuncture session, yesterday, I told the doctor I thought it was a jab well done.    


Somebody had the nerve to tell me they thought I was pretentious, the other day. I nearly choked on my Latte Macchiato.    


My sweet little Army wife told me that I have spent too much folding money for Christmas. So, she administered military justice and I am now restricted to quarters.  


Yesterday was a great day at the stock market, but not everyone did well: Paper remained stationary; pencils lost a few points;mining equipment hit rock bottom; and Pampers remained unchanged while Baby Wipes touched a new bottom.  


A local policeman was cruising down the boulevard when he spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. He immediately got on his loudspeaker and yelled, "Pull over!"She rolled down the window, stuck her head out, and yelled back, "NO. IT'S A SCARF!"   


What happens if you get scared half to death . . . twice?    


Well, I made my famous cornbread dressing for the table, later on, today. When I tasted it, though, it really lacked something. I thought I was going to have to throw it out, until my mother gave me some sage advice.    


Thought for the day: Everyone is beautiful . . . if you squint, just a bit.    


I am studying to be a balloon animal artist for children's parties. After three weeks of study, my instructor says I am doing great . . . as long as kids only ask for balloon snakes.    


Advice to improve your writing: Avoid clichés like the plague.    


Very few people remember that it was my crazy Uncle Leo who never got credit for inventing the disposable diaper. Personally, I think he got a bum wrap.    


While I was in Barnes and Noble, yesterday, I asked one of the employees where the Self Help section was. She said that if she told me it would defeat the purpose.  


Not many of you know that I once had a summer job as a lifeguard. I loved it. Then, some blue kid got me fired.    


Okay. So, Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Can I get you something to drink?" Descartes says, "I think not," then disappears.    


Does anybody but me think that the Air and Space Museum should be empty?    


Yesterday, the cafe was crowded, but there was a seat at the counter next to a pregnant lady. I asked her if she minded if I sat there. She told me she was expecting someone.    


Yesterday, I stopped by Madam Myopia to get my palm read. As I started to sit down at the table, I bumped it and knocked over her crystal ball. That little mistake ended up costing me a fortune.    


You may think I'm paranoid, but I've noticed that cashiers are always checking me out.    


I'm thinking about becoming a mind reader. What are some of your thoughts?    


My loony Uncle Smokey, who is kind of a pyromaniac, was quite disappointed when he checked out Match.com.    


I think they call it a baseball park because they have a lot of swings and slides inside.    


LeAnn Rimes . . . Nope, I don't think it does.    


Yesterday, my dentist told me to say ahhhh. When I asked him why, he told me that his dog died.  


When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?    


I defriended a few people after I found out they were acupunturists. I just can't tolerate backstabbers.    


This halloween, give your kids some spooky crayons. They are the kind of gift that will make your kin scrawl.    


More bad news from the morning paper: MAN FALLS INTO VAT OF TRAIL MIX AND DROWNS. The local factory reports that he may have been pulled under by a strong currant.    


Did you know the local mall is already gearing up for Christmas? They asked me to help during the tryouts for this year's Santa Claus. This year, each has to climb to the top of the roof and slide down the chimney. Personally, I thought each one who crawled out of the chimney was well sooted for the job.    


Item from this morning's newspaper: MAN ATTACKED BY SHARK. Police have no information on the man or the cause for the attack. They do suspect he had dandruff, though, since they found his head and shoulders on the beach.   


I saw two homeless turtles trying to cross the road, this morning. I think they're headed to the Shell station.    


I stopped by the local gym, yesterday, to find out about their beginner yoga classes. The lady asked me how flexible I am. I told her that Tuesdays and Saturdays are out.    


Today is National Coffee Day? I knew something was brewing.    


I must be really getting into autumn! Last night, I dreamed I was a dry, withered stalk of corn. Suddenly, my corn stalk buddies and I were cut down and stacked in the middle of the harvested field. I was shocked!    


I went to an audition, yesterday. They were casting 12 people to play clouds in a commercial. 16 people showed up, so it ended up being overcast.    


A lady was upset with her caricature, the other day, and asked if I thought I could even draw a straight line! I thought about that for a moment and just drew a blank.  


When a friend of mine thought about trying to get a job in the sweater factory, I told her that it's a very clothes-knit community.    


I woke up this morning with a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ear. Turns out, that was just the tip of the iceberg.    


I stopped by the pet store, yesterday, and bought a newt. When I got home, I named him "Teeny Tiny." After all, he is my newt.    


This morning's story from the newspaper - BIG SHORTAGE IN DANCE ATTIRE! "Suppliers are rushing more garments to customers by express rail." Tomorrow, most of them will probably be down at the rail yards waiting for the tutu train.    


Every night, as he would trudge off to bed, my grandfather would place a half-full glass of water by his bedside. He told me it was something he could really sink his teeth into.    


Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Please! Don't drink and derive.    


This morning's headline: LOCAL MAN MUGGED INSIDE STARBUCKS.    


Did you read about the lady in England who was dating two poets? When they both tried to break up with her, she decided to murder them. She baked a large pastry, invited them both over, and gave them each half of the deadly sweet. When police arrested her, later, she denied the crime and asked why she was being arrested. The inspector replied, "Madam, it appears that you have killed two bards with one scone."    


Well, my buddy has been a traffic cop for over thirty years, now. His boss finally gave him the green light to retire.    


I found out that my mailman used to be a stand-up comic. I kinda thought he might be something like that - he's got perfect delivery.    


Well, my crazy Uncle Leo is at it, again. He is making a line of designer long underwear for really over weight folks, and evidently he's creating quite a flap.  


Shakespeare understood that if you want to make a good Hamlet, you've got to break a few legs.    


I was reminiscing about my time in an Australian hospital, named Mercy Hospital, many years ago. They had this wonderful tea. I can't remember the name, but it had cute little bears all around the can. When I had my first cup, I was shocked that it had so many little grounds floating around in it. My nurse reassured me: "The koala tea of Mercy is never strained."    


My neighbor's dog really likes to chew on his sofa and love seat. I think he has a suite tooth.    


Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?" "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."    


Ever since that horrible bungee cord accident, the owners of the local amusement park have been hoping that things will bounce back.    


I see they are raising the prices, again, on almonds. That's just nuts!    


After getting too close to a poisonous snake at the zoo, yesterday, boy, was I rattled!    
 No time for a pun, this morning. I woke up late, and, now, I'm scrambling to make breakfast!    


Not a big fan of going to the Pancake House after midnight. That place gives me the crepes!    


When I found out that my wife bought a taser, this weekend, I was stunned!    


I saw one of my favorite rock stars, yesterday, filling up at the gas station. He seemed to be a regular kind of guy.    


My buddy, Clogs, who is a cobbler, let me use his leather punch for a few days. I am humbled to think that he would give his awl for a friend.   


I asked my neighbor, yesterday, why he calls his truck a "Sarah Palin truck." He said, "Because you never know if it's gonna run."    


This morning's headline: ACCIDENT AT GUM FACTORY! MAN FALLS INTO VAT OF BUBBLE GUM. ANGRY PLANT SAFETY SUPERVISOR CHEWS HIM OUT.    


I just went outside to check my plum trees, in the back yard. Looks like what fruit there is on them is beginning to dry up. I think it's time to prune.    


I went to a fortune teller over the weekend, hoping she would tell me I was going to gain fortune and fame. She just laughed at me and said, "What a loser!" Right then, I decided I had to try and strike a happy medium.    


Whew! What a horrible dream, last night! I was in a dungeon, being beaten and whipped with these little thin, translucent curtains. It was sheer torture!    


My crazy Uncle Leo is trying to train his pet pigeon, Flaps, to sing. If he can do it, I think it will be quite a coo.    
People talk about how boring baseball is. Maybe, if they replaced the ball with an orange, or a lemon, it would add a little zest to the game.    
Well, my crazy Uncle Leo gave me a preview of his Halloween costume for this year. He walked in with his granddaughter on his back and said, "I'm a snail!" When I asked him how he could be a snail with just a little girl on his back. He said, "That's not a girl, it's Michelle."    


An infectious disease walks into a restaurant and the manager says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." So, the infectious disease says, "Well, you're not a very good host."    


I am sorry to see that my old friend, A. Summons Ono, a local judge was forced into retirement, last week. Honestly, though, I think he just stopped trying.    


I finally found someone to act as my spotter at the gym, yesterday. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.    


Well, my friend, Dr. Capps won the prestigious honor of being named Dentist of the Year, yesterday. He got a little plaque.    


There was a terrible accident at Baskin-Robbins, last night. An ice cream vendor was found on the floor of the storage room, covered in cans of sprinkles, cherries and chocolate syrup. Police say he finally topped himself.    


I'm planning on serving the left-over corned beef for supper, tonight. My wife would rather have potatoes and onions. I guess we'll just have to hash things out.    


Of course, you've heard of the dictator who wanted to conquer the world, but was delayed while counting the feet of his soldiers. His was considered a toe-tally tarrying regime.    


Big concerns during the GPS navigator company's annual stockholders' meeting, this weekend. Many are just not sure the company is heading in the right direction.    


I just know that when the new fabric softener factory begins production, people in this town are going to be ex-static!    


From this morning's newspaper: "Police say the unusual damage to a local potato chip factory came when a pair of ostriches escaped from the zoo and became trapped inside. Evidently they panicked when their feathers got ruffled."    


I hate these attempts to modernize Shakespeare, and to update his language to reflect current English slang. It just gives me the Willies!    


Does anyone besides me think that the lower gas prices might be self-serving?    


My crazy Uncle Leo once worked in a plant where he hand-carved a processed meat product into a rectangular shape that would fit inside the little blue and yellow cans. I think that he just may have been one of the very first spam blockers.


I really wish mimes would learn to think outside the box.    


Frank Sinatra was once asked if he ever owned any exotic birds. He replied, "Egrets, I've had a few . . ."    


FYI for all of you who sometimes get bored, surfing the net, conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.    


I'm skipping my piano class, today. I'm just too keyed up.    


My wife wants me to get rid of my recliner. I just can't. We go way back.    


In these difficult and puzzling days, it is important to remember that those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.    


Well, the zoo started using a new chemical to clean some of the animals. The leopards are absolutely spotless.    


Does anyone else think that storm chasers are twisted?    


True story. I worked my way through high school and college at Fuller Food Store. I sacked up groceries and carried them to the car for customer. When we got an orange juice machine, I wanted to change jobs and serve juice. The manager, however, refused to listen to my whining. I learned, then, that baggers can't be juicers.  


Last night, I was experimenting in the kitchen with a blender, ice cream, milk, and various syrups. The results were shaky at best.   


I have been trying and trying to encourage a friend of mine to try spelunking, but to no avail. Eventually, though, I think he'll cave.   


 I just finished reading a biography of Elisha Otis, inventor of the elevator. While some parts of it brought me down, overall, I found it to be very uplifting.    


From the morning paper: Man Addicted to Brake Fluid Refuses Rehab - Says He Can Stop Anytime!    


I made the mistake of asking my neighbor's genius kid about pi. He just went on and on and on.    


Another sign of our times . . . exit signs are on the way out!    


I sure am glad to hear that my neighbor, the pilot, finally landed a job.    


Oh, boy! I dropped a little chocolate syrup on my 1040 tax forms, last night. I hope the IRS doesn't think I was trying to fudge the numbers.    


I'm not sure, but I think I can master Braille, once I get a feel for it.    


I'm glad the fog lifted, last night, and the Giants were able to finish their baseball game. For a while, it was hit and mist.    


I really didn't think I did well in my apiary class. I worried so much I got hives. Turns out, I was a bee student.    


This morning, I read in the paper that if California has a major earthquake, some banks may go into default.    


Got up, early, this morning, to celebrate the holiday. Filled all my washbasins to the brim with Hellmann's, Kraft and Dukes. HAPPY SINK-O de MAYO'!    


I'm planning a dinner of exotic seafood, tonight. Just wondering . . . Is it proper kitchen etiquette to cook alligator meat in a croc' pot?    


My friend, Shecky LaRue, is a horrible amateur stand-up comic. Last night, he entertained at a party in an old haunted house, and was promptly booed off the stage.  


I bought a load of pine, yesterday. My new project is to build a wooden bicycle. I think I may have enough wood to build a two-cedar.    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, for all of you who were expecting the new "Witch's Book of Incantations" to be released, this week, it is now delayed, indefinitely. Somebody forgot to run spell check.    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When my wife wanted to buy a large, comfy recliner, this weekend, I suddenly developed a deep-seated fear.    


If I had to pick an animal that had the greatest impact on humans in the last decade, I would have to say that swine have been the most influential.    


A friend of mine, who plays trumpet in the local symphony, told me he had a sore throat, but was going to play the concert, anyway. Although I warned him not to play, he soon found out that his ill wind blew no good.    


When I read that my barber had been arrested for burglary, this morning, I really wasn't surprised. He has always been good at cutting locks.    


A friend of mine, who is a drummer in a rock band, got a new, solid-gold electronic gong. It tells him when he needs to replace heads and adjust everything. To him, it is quite a status cymbal.    


How many of you think softball pitchers are underhanded?    


From all that I have read, I believe that most people who lived in castles were well manored.    


Looking out my window, thinking there must have been a flurry of activity, last night! Some kid wants to shovel my driveway, but I'll have to pay him, later, from my slush fund.    


I had to throw out my oldest and most favorite colander, this morning. It just couldn't take the strain, anymore.    


I've just come up with the tastiest bread recipe, ever! But I'm only sharing it on a knead-to-know basis.    


Of course, you've heard about the noun and verb who were dating? They had to break up because the noun was too possessive.    


My old friend, Lenny Fogelman, "The Amazing Human Fly," called while I was out, yesterday. He left a message on my machine and will give me a buzz, later, today.  


Due to a long period of rainstorms, our wilderness camping trip was intense.    


I had to quit my second job as a taste tester. I just had too much on my plate.    
My crazy Uncle Leo's grandfather was quite the inventor, as well. Back in the old west of the 1870's, he designed and created a business suit and hat made entirely from brown paper bags. Unfortunately, he decided to test it out and wear it into town and was promptly arrested, tried, and hanged! The charge? Rustling.  
 
If actions speak louder than words, then how come you can never hear mimes?  
 
When I signed up for this origami class, I never thought my paper costs would increase two-fold.  
 
Did you know that docks stay afloat simply from pier pressure?  


I attended the wedding of two friends of mine who are nuclear technicians at Oak Ridge. After the ceremony, she looked absolutely radiant, and he was positively glowing!